Sea Kittens

Christopher Moltisanti; “Louis Brazzi sleeps with the fishes.”

Pussy Bonpensiero: “Luca Brasi! Luca …”

Christopher: “Whatever.”

-The Sopranos

 I like animals as much as the next human, but PETA is swimming up the wrong creek with this one. They renamed fish. They want us to call the scaly things “sea kittens.”

            According to People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, we humans don’t seem to like fish. They’re slimy, and they have eyes on the sides of their head. Fish needed an image makeover, so that was why PETA renamed the whole species “sea kittens.”

            If we call a fish a sea kitten, PETA hopes we will stop catching them with hooks and eating them.

            I refuse to stop eating fish. They are loaded with Omega- 3 fatty acids, which are good for my heart. If I want to barbeque a salmon fillet, I’m doing it. And I’m certainly not going to refer to it as grilled sea kitten.

            But apparently PETA believes it has thought through the whole “sea kitten” revolution. They have created a “Sea Kitten” website where you can get all kinds of facts.

            For example, did you know that when a sea kitten has a baby, it’s called a “baby sea kitty?”

            The website also contains flash games, virtual books, and a store to buy sea kitten merchandise.

             I asked Vito what he thought. That was probably a bad idea, because now he was upset that PETA chose to call fish  “sea kittens” and not “sea puppies.” To calm him, I suggested we go to the website to “Create Your Own Sea Kitten.”

            Naturally, Vito wanted his sea kitten to look like a puppy. There were lots of sea kittens to choose from: flounder, tuna, salmon, mahi mahi. He picked the anchovy, because they tasted good on pizza. Choosing the right headpiece frustrated him because the ears that looked the most like Vito’s were brown, and Vito’s ears were black, white and gray.

            When we tried to pick a collar, Vito got really ticked. The only choice was pink, and Vito’s collar was blue, which made PETA seem anti-male. A lot of the sea kitten stuff did appear very Miley Cyrus-like.

            When it came time to choose a name for his sea kitten, Vito had completely lost interest.

            He let himself out to chase a squirrel …… excuse me … a tree kitten.