Russian Brides Caused My Breakup

Paulie Walnuts: (on Russians) “I don't even know why we deal with these people.”

Tony Soprano: “Wanna guess?”

Paulie: “They make us money.”

Tony: “Thank you.”

- The Sopranos

             It was only a matter of time before the break up. In the end, what good could possibly come from a Russian mail-order bride website? Because of the brides, I lost it all.

            The ads on my blog were removed because I violated terms of a virtual contract. I promised I wouldn’t click the ads on my own blog and artificially pump the numbers. Considering my high-degree of nosiness, I was fairly good at resisting the urge.

            Then I wrote a blog in which my son Nick and our Siberian Husky Vito performed a goofy “Russian” dance. That’s the day the Russian mail-order bride ads began. Via my blog, I clicked on a mail-order bride ad, and a dozen photos of Eastern European seductresses appeared. The pictures actually moved. Vera stroked her hair. Irina danced. I felt like a voyeur and quickly exited the site. But I yearned to visit the Eastern bloc beauties again. I clicked. Natasha wiggled. I was infatuated.

            Anna, with her “Hello Kitty” bikini top, winked at me. I poured a glass of wine and winked back.

            I read the romantic story of Ekatrina, who thought she’d “never find such a good man like my future husband Tommy.”

            I returned to the site to keep up with aspiring bride Olga, who sat tipped on her bar chair. Her future husband sat across from her, his hands and legs crossed. He looked sinister, like a Euro gangster. I began to worry about Olga. I thought she was moving too fast.

            “Dmitri came to Armenia for 18 days and we beacame (sic) engaged,” she wrote. “Now the sweetest word is his name and the greatest thing is his love … I hope in the quietest (sic) of the night, when I whisper out to you, you know just what to do. Darling, listen to hear my voice echoing how much I love you.”

            I checked …. click, click, click … for updates on Olga. Was she okay? Did Dmitri know what to do in the  “quietest” of the night?

            I appealed to get the ads back and lost. Apparently, my transgressions were too egregious.

            I hope Olga has more luck with Dmitri than I had with ads.