Dogtor Freud

 Kay Corleone: “It made me think of what you once told me: ‘In five years the Corleone family will be completely legitimate.’ That was seven years ago.”

Michael Corleone: “I know. I'm trying, darling.”

Godfather II

            Occasionally I lie on the couch and tell Vito my troubles. Sometimes I close my eyes. I picture him in wire-rim glasses and a tweed suit. He sits in a chair and takes notes. He is silent, and I believe he is judging me. Vito as Dr. Sigmund Freud is a terrifying image.

            According to a recent Associated Press poll, nearly one-third of women say their pets are better listeners than their husbands.

            Personally, I think my husband Brian is a better listener. I trust Brian’s advice, while I am suspicious of Vito’s counsel. He doesn’t always make the best decisions. How much stock can you put in an animal that picks up cigarette butts from the road and swallows them?

            But in the interest of social science, I devised my own “listening” exam. Who was the better listener -- Brian or Vito?

            Test 1: I complain about the cost of groceries. Brian and I discuss where we’ll cut back. Vito jumps on the counter and devours a defrosting chicken. Point Brian.

            Test 2: Instead of going on an expensive date, I suggest to Brian we take a walk. Brian leads me down the street to the Harley-Davidson dealership. He salivates and makes me feel guilty as he gives me his version of puppy-dog eyes. Conversely, when I ask Vito to take a walk, he leads me to the park where we chase ducks. Point Vito.

            Test 3: I suggest we spruce up the yard. Brian surprises me with a birdhouse. Hours later I have yet to see a bird, but Vito has feathers stuck to his mouth. Point Brian.

            Brian is the better listener by a 2-1 margin.

            Men also like to commiserate with their pets. In the AP poll, nearly 20 percent of pet-owning married men said their pets are better listeners than their wives.

            The poll featured a man from New York who said it would be a toss-up whether he would take his problem to his wife of 19 years or to the animal he considers a pet – a palm-sized crayfish he named Cray Aiken. When this man was asked if Cray Aiken was a better listener than his wife, he replied,  “Absolutely. (The wife) doesn’t listen worth anything.”

            The man talks to a crayfish that doesn’t even have ears that he named after a second-rate American Idol contestant.

            No wonder his wife doesn’t listen to him.