President Obama at The Big House

  “My father is no different than any powerful man, any man with power, like a president or senator.”

  - Michael Corleone

   The Godfather

            If you’ve ever attended a football game at The University of Michigan Big House -- let me tell you something mister -- the place is one man-made catastrophe waiting to happen.

             I’ve been there like 50 times, and when each game is done, I thank the Lord God in heaven that I lived to see another day.

            It used to be that they allowed dozens of single-engine planes, which sported banners, to cross back and forth over the un-helmeted heads of 100,000 trapped football fans. The banners often promoted used-car dealers or politicians. You know, people who you wouldn’t mind dying for if the plane with their banner careened into you and your hot dog. 

            There were also romantic types who hired the planes to pull banners as a creative proposal: “Marry me, Susan, or this plane will plunge into a hell storm on the 50-yard-line. Forever, Ted.”

            Since 9-11, the planes have been prohibited. They’ve been replaced with armed police officers. Last season, there had been a threat of some sort. Police officers perched on the roof of the new suites. They gazed down at the crowd through scopes. That day, I felt like I was at a different sort of “Big House,” the kind where Cockeyed Louie bangs his head on concrete during his daily hour of fresh air in The Yard.

            Anyway, Saturday is the best day in the history of The UM Football Stadium -- our daughter Beth will get her diploma there! Oh, and some guy named President Barack Obama is scheduled to speak there at the same time.

            How exciting is it that the president is speaking at UM’s commencement! And dangerous!!

            There’s a whole bunch of stuff we cannot bring into the stadium, including purses, umbrellas, and multipurpose tools, which is quite an imposition on me because you’d be hard pressed to find me going anywhere without my Leatherman knife.

            If President Obama is nervous about speaking to the big crowd, he can skip over the part where it all seems more manageable if he imagines us in our underwear, because basically after security gets through with us, that’s all we’ll be wearing.

            And who can blame security? Just this week, an armed man, who looked like he could be a UM student, impersonated an officer and was arrested at the airport, where President Obama was just taking to the sky on Air Force One.

            This security issue got me thinking. We can’t bring Vito to The Big House. The five people in our family will be at that stadium Saturday. If the unthinkable occurs, what will happen to our puppy? We’ve hired a couple of Christina’s friends to spend the day with him, but after that, their responsibility is over.

            I think I’ll try and sneak in Vito with us. If something awful happens, it will happen to all six of us.

             I just have to make him look like the rest of the crowd.

             Now, where to buy doggie underwear?