Vampire Spawn

“Oh, Godfather, I don't know what to do, I don't know what to do ...” Don Corleone rises from his chair and shakes Johnny Fontane savagely.

             “YOU CAN ACT LIKE A MAN!” The Don quick slaps Johnny Fontane. 
              - The Godfather

While we slept, ancient Japanese warriors broke into our home, swung from our chandelier, somersaulted through our kitchen, and replaced all Vito’s baby teeth with tiny Samurai swords.

            He has begun the “teething stage,” and he cannot stop chewing. His mantra appears to be, “Bite the hand that feeds you.”

            We bought him a synthetic Nylabone and a plastic porcupine to wrap his jaw around, but human toes are his favorite chew toy. His tiny saber teeth get caught in our socks. As we leap to get away, his teeth tear our socks, and our skin. He has ripped apart a rug. He has literally tried to eat the refrigerator and dishwasher. 

            His breeder Judith told us this was going to happen, and she had the remedy.

            “He’s going to try to bite you and get dominance, so what you gotta do is ...” She balled up her fist. “Punch him right in the face.”

            I gasped. Such violence. Judith is the Siberian Husky guru, but I feared her method was too brutal for me. After all, I was a former member of Greenpeace.

            She continued, “Then offer him your cheek and say, ‘Gimme a kiss.’ He’ll get straightened out quick, alright.”

            As Vito has begun to rip us to shreds, Judith’s words have come back to me.

There have been many nips that I would like to smack him for, but I live in the suburbs. Socking a puppy in Oakland County could get you life imprisonment; I consulted the Internet for a more genteel solution.

“Never slap or hit your puppy in the face. This does not work! Your puppy will just think you are playing or could become afraid of you. This may even lead to some much bigger problems than simple puppy nipping.” According to the Internet Dog Trainer, hitting Vito could harm our relationship. Good thing I didn’t listen to Judith.

The Internet Trainer continued, “Make your puppy think he is hurting you each time he has a nip at you. Let out an ‘Ouch!’ or an ’Arrr!’ every time your puppy bites. The trick is to startle your dog with your voice, and then pull away and stop playing with your puppy for a while. Your pup will soon learn that when he starts to bite, his playmate (you) goes away.

While I read, Vito bit my feet. I let out an “Arrr!” He bit me worse because he thought I was a pirate. Then I tried to startle him with an “Ouch!” But he thought it was a new game and bit me faster. Now he jumped up and tried to bite my face. I was getting scared of him.

When I bent down to direct him away from me and toward his crate, Vito made a fatal mistake. He bit me in the neck. Judith’s advice -- “Punch him in the face” – flashed in my mind. My dog was Vampire spawn. I had to drive in a stake in the head of the beast.

 I wound up and knocked Vito smack between the eyes.

             He tumbled back and landed on his side. He lay there for a moment, stunned. When he finally sat up, his eyes rolled like he saw cartoon birds circle above his head.

            “NO BITING!” I shouted in his face.

            He slunk and hid his face underneath my legs.

            I let him sulk for a few seconds.

            “Gimme a kiss,” I said softly.

            He jumped up and baptized me with wet, sloppy licks all over my face. After that, amazingly, he kept his teeth under control.

            Score one for Judith.

As for the Internet Dog Trainer, I have two words -- bite me!